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[11/09 - 05] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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saosin |
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ive come to realize so much. i really didnt know who i was but im starting to have a clue of who i want to be. im tierd of just trying to make everyone else happy and not myself. doing things i dont feel is right or like doing but i do them anyways to make someone else happy. im going to start doing things for myself because i want to not because someone else wants me to. it hurts me so much to not know a family i once had. my grandma who raised me all the way until i was 10 has parkensons disease and it hurts me so much to see her suffer when she's done nothing but love anyone who comes her way. i pulled away from her 4 years ago after my grandpa died because i didnt want to deal with the pain agian. i realized that the family i left behind means so much to me and care about me like any other family i have. i also realized that i dont need someone there telling me who much i mean to them to make me feel better about myself. i dont need anyone but the true close friends i have which are about like 7 people. im seperating myself from the people who make me think twice about who i am or who they are. the few friends that i am close to now mean alot to me and they are pretty much all i need to keep me gonig. i love every single person who has been in my life no matter how short they were ive learned from the best to the worst. and who the people im not close to anymore it hurts alot because they mean so much to me and i need to stop comparing everyone im with to one HIM because it doesnt help me move on at all. im leaving the penis for a while. it sounds cheap but thats how i feel. i want to be happy and live my life happy with my friends and family and maybe later on a boyfriend. right now i just want someone to be there not someone to be tied down to. i just want everything to be right before i do anything else.
i sound really gay, but i dont care. this isnt for anyone but myself.
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guitar__my's journal